As coaches, we know how influential that voice in our heads can be. We see it limiting what our clients believe is possible for them. We experience it draining our own energy. We know that if we could all be free of its destructive messages, life would be much easier, more fun, and more productive. No more hesitating and second-guessing ourselves. We’d do what matters to us and have a much bigger impact on the world.
The inner critic, however, is a slippery creature. It shape-shifts and distracts with extraordinary swiftness. Nevertheless, there are five things to know that can go a long way toward reducing its discouraging ways and keep us doing the things that are important to us.
1) Recognize that the messages from the inner critic are just habitual thoughts.
Inner critic messages are simply thoughts that have become habits. We have millions of thoughts every day, and negative self-talk is the same as any other thought: electrochemical signals between the neurons in our brain. They’re not some other-worldly force like Kryptonite that saps our energy and imprisons us. They don’t control us (unless we say they do). They’re just thoughts that at some moment in history we believed served us in some way and that we have repeated so much they became a habit. This realization helps to create a little space between those thoughts and who we know ourselves to be.
2) Inner critic messages are based on lies.
I have yet to encounter an inner critic message which isn’t ultimately based on a lie. There are as many versions of its lies as there are people. It may tell us we’re not smart enough, talented enough, or confident enough. It may tell us we’re too emotional, too ambitious, or too sensitive. It tells us that something’s wrong with us that we’re not who we should be. In one way or another, it questions our worth.
Worth, however, is not something to be proven. It’s a given. No one questions the worth of a small baby who doesn’t do much beyond eat, sleep, and excrete. No one questions the worth of a 90-year-old with dementia who can’t feed themself. We recognize that they’re worthy of life simply because they’re here. It’s the same for all of us, even though the inner critic tries to convince us otherwise.
3) Don’t fight against the inner critic.
Most of us want to do everything we can to eradicate the inner critic. However, physics, psychology, and metaphysics all tell us that fighting against something only strengthens it.
- Physics: Newton’s Third Law of Motion states that for every action, there’s an equal but opposite reaction. In other words, what you push against, pushes against you.
- Psychology: Carl Jung wrote that what you resist, not only persists but grows in strength.
- Metaphysics: The law of attraction says energy tends to attract similar energy to it. Meaning if you exert the energy of opposition, you’ll have more to oppose.
In fighting against the inner critic, you only feed the energy that keeps it alive. Once you’ve realized your negative self-talk is just thoughts and that they’re not even true, there’s nothing more you need to do with those inner critic thoughts. Simply recognize they exist and turn your attention elsewhere.
4) Create a new message.
Next, you’ll need to craft a new, supportive message to replace the old inner critic message. Otherwise the old message will likely settle back in.
This involves creating an affirmation, but not just any affirmation. We all have custom-created self-doubts, and to overcome them, we need custom-designed solutions that speak directly to the lies previously uncovered.
You know you’re on the right track when the new message feels like relief from the pressures the inner critic puts on you. Ideally, you want your new message to inspire you, but at the very least, it should feel like a relief.
5) Practice your new message.
It’s all fine and good to get to the bottom of what the inner critic has been telling you (number two above), and it’s great to create a custom-designed message to replace the old one (number four above). However, nothing will change if you don’t practice that new message. Practice it, just as a musician practices notes, a golfer practices their swing, or a chef practices chopping onions. Repeated thinking of the new message will create new neural networks and new habits of thought. Eventually, the new thoughts not only become your new beliefs but also your automatic or default way of thinking.
Keeping these five things in mind will transform your work with the inner critic.
Paul Boehnke, PCC, will be exploring this topic more in depth at ICF Converge 2023 , which is taking place August 23-26 in Orlando, Florida, USA. Join his session “Coaching the Inner Critic” in the Align theme on Friday, August 25 at 1:30 p.m. (local time). By attending this session, you can earn 0.75 Continuing Coach Education units.
